BrambleStitches

Lately, I’ve got a lot to work through. On top of the normal stresses of raising a family, magazine deadline, keeping my small business afloat, and fighting the continual undertow of debt, I have this new bewildering grief. A recent miscarriage. After explaining away the possible causes, there’s still so much left behind–guilt, fear, regret, a crushing sense of the nature of life: not fair.

I have no keepsake of this tiny loss, not even a name. I had meant to make something new just for this baby, but Spring has been so full of travel and company that there has been no time for that. I still don’t know if I’ll make myself something. There are some lovely ideas at Touching Little Lives, an Ohio-based site that has free patterns for premature infants, including sleepers, burial gowns, knit caps, and even tiny cloth pouches for those babies, like mine, who are so tiny that they can’t even be dressed. All I really have of this baby, is a due date. Will we celebrate November 7th? Will we mourn it? I don’t know.

For now, while I continue to sort things out, I’ve been keeping myself busy. I cast on a mindless knitting project, the Bojangles Scarf featured in Morehouse Farm Merino Knits. (Lovely book, by the way. Beautiful photographs, simple patterns, lots of critters–my kind of farm.) I’m using a few odd balls of pink and purple yarn, knitting every row, and changing colors as it pleases me.

I’ve also been designing some new baby shoes for my shop. They are inspired by a pair of pink lacy ballerina baby slippers I used to play with when I was a little girl. I just discovered one of the shoes last night in the kids’ toy chest. It is very faded, now, missing its mate, and the lace is grungy and frayed at the edges, but for me it still holds those dreams I poured into it so long ago. These lime shoes are so tiny and crisp, so bright and cheerful, and so perfect for a spring time baby. Somehow, they comfort me.

This dream of mine